September 16, 2009

A Fine Line

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I’ve said before that I am not a real romantic.  I am not a lovey-dovey-mushy kind of person.  The Husband and I often joke the he is the “girl” in the relationship.  He is much more of a softie than I am.

With this deployment I know this “fault” of mine makes things even more difficult for him at times.  When he calls, I tell him all about what we are doing and how the girls are getting along.  I also tell him that I miss him, because I do.

But I don’t profess my undying love at every opportunity.  It’s just not who I am.  And I know it frustrates him.  I definitely do miss him.  I miss the snoring.  I miss the quiet times at night when the girls are in bed and we can just hang out in peace. I miss watching how he makes the girls laugh. I miss having someone else to share the bedtime routine with.  I miss being able to just run out to the store for one thing without a whole entourage.  I miss being able to call him at any time to share a funny story or funny thing one of the girls said.

I miss him being around.  I miss seeing his face.  I miss patting his butt each night before bed (TMI, I know!).

All of this is true, but no I don’t go shouting it form the mountain tops.  Right now it’s too hard.  It’s easier to give him a cursory, “I miss you.”  And leave it at that.  I am afraid if I divulge to him all the things I will miss that I will be reduced to a crying little ball on the floor.  And I can’t do that.  It freaks the girls out.  Besides, he doesn’t like it when I cry.  I don’t want him to feel guilty about “leaving” us any more than he already does.

So he gets a simple, “I miss you.”  Someday, he’ll read this and maybe understand better.  In the meantime, I’ll do what I know best.  I’ll keep e-mailing pictures of the girls every day.  I’ll keep gathering things for care packages and I’ll keep praying for the strength to get through this time.

 

September 14, 2009

Sleep, Why Are You Eluding Me?

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I love my bed, I love sleeping in my bed.  I confess that I relish Reserve weekends when I have my big bed all to myself.   Normally when the Husband is gone, I sleep like a rock.  There is nobody there to steal the blankets. There is nobody snoring away interrupting my quiet.  There is nobody rolling over into the middle of the bed almost forcing me off the edge.  It’s all mine.

As I lie there last night trying desperately to fall asleep, I was questioning what was going on.  I haven’t slept well since the Husband has been gone.  Part of that is because the Little One has been awake screaming, fussing or crying at least once a night for the past four nights now. And part of it is a mystery to me.

The only thing I can think of is the fact that I have the bed to myself for such a long time takes the “thrill” out of having it to myself.  Normally the Husband is gone for two weeks at the most, so I know that I have to catch up on my sleep while I can because he will be back soon.

This time, I think of him missing the girls dressing up for Halloween.  I consider him missing Thanksgiving when my family all comes up to the house and we end up with eight “extra” people in the house and four dogs.  I think of spending our 7th wedding anniversary apart.  I realize how the chaos of Christmas and all the festivities will not be the same without him.  It’s a lot to weigh on my heart when I am trying to sleep.

I do realize that it is silly to say that he will “miss” all these holidays.  I know that there will be celebrations and activities on Base.  I know that the days will still happen even though we are apart.   But I also know that nobody is going to make him my special macaroni and cheese on Thanksgiving because he doesn’t like turkey.  I know that he won’t get to see the excitement on the girls’ faces when they wake up on Christmas morning to find treasures from Santa.  I know that on his birthday he won’t be treated to a rousing rendition of Happy Birthday that only a 4 and 2 year old can deliver.

It’s a lot to think about while you are trying to sleep.  I need to find a way to focus on one day at a time and shutting my brain off so that I can rest.

 

September 13, 2009

I’m Really Not A Clutz

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I don’t know what it is, but whenever the Husband is gone, I seem to get the strangest injuries.  It always feels like I am on the phone with him trying to explain some obscure injury.

Today is one of those days.  If I wasn’t able to move it and type (sort of),  I would swear to you that my wrist was broken.  It’s killing me.

This morning, I was playing tug-o-war with Gracie Lou, much like I do almost every day.  Apparently today, I let go about one half of a second too late.  She twisted one way and my wrist stayed straight.  I heard (and felt) a pop and then some mambo pain.  But after a couple minutes the pain subsided and I didn’t think much of it.  Until a couple hours ago, it started hurting pretty good again.  I’ll take some Advil and hope it’s better in the morning.

Damn dog is lucky she is cute.

 

September 11, 2009

The Cost of A Morale Call

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Many of you know that phone calls home can be few and far between when your loved one is deployed. We’ve been very fortunate in that I have talked to the Husband almost every day on the phone. This morning was the first time the girls were able to talk to him.

He’s gotten to make calls through a few different avenues. When he calls my cell phone, it’s a “self-monitored” 15 minute call. When he calls the house phone it’s strictly enforced 15 minutes. It’s like the old payphones, when your time is up, the call is disconnected.

I know you are thoroughly confused now. The calls are routed through the “morale offices” at various bases. {The Husband is a talker, many of you know. So he has been able to talk his way into making calls through various bases because our cell phone and house phone are in different area codes.}

So today was one of the strictly enforced calls, and unfortunately the girls don’t get the concept of time very well. So they play, fight and argue when they should be talking. The Big One went so far as to hide upstairs with the phone behind her back because she wanted to keep talking, but the Husband was asking for me. He knew the time was running short and wanted to check on me.

I finally got the phone from her and closed myself in the spare bedroom so I could talk without the arguing and whining of the girls distracting me. The Big One perched herself outside the door knocking, saying, “let me in!” over and over and over again. I didn’t hear a peep from the Little One. That’s always a bad sign, huh?

So I talked to the Husband for a couple more minutes. It was tough breaking the news to him that the Space Shuttle may land here this afternoon. He is really bummed to potentially be missing it again. We saw it last Thanksgiving, but a few months ago when it landed at Edwards again we were in San Diego.

After the call abruptly ended; you get a five minute warning, then a one minute warning and then I think it went to five seconds, I opened the door and asked the Big One where her sister was. She told me the Little One was “playing with her diaper.”

I knew I was in trouble and was going to pay for the five minutes of peace on the phone. As I walked to the end of the hall towards my bedroom I smelled poop. For those of you who don’t follow my regular blog, the Little One seems to have a poop obsession.

I first found the wipes box covered in poop, then I found the diaper with skid marks. I looked in the toilet and only saw more wipes in there. I cleaned up that mess and then went looking for the Little One. I found a few more wipes as I walked downstairs and then finally found the Little One in the downstairs bathroom crying that her butt hurt.

She claims that she flushed the poop, and for my sake I pray she is telling the truth.

 

September 11, 2009

Just Another Day

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I know that as soon as I open Facebook today, many people will be celebrating that it’s Friday.  For most of you that’s a big deal. It’s the end of the work week.  It’s the beginning of the weekend. It may mean sports events, family time, barbecues and the beach.

Well, for us it’s just like any other day.  While the Husband is gone there is no real distinction between one day and the next.  Yes, the Big One has preschool three days a week, but other than that one day is just like the next.

Usually I do heave a sigh of relief when we all make it to Friday.  It means a little extra time as a family.  It means someone else can help with the diaper changes, bath, dishes and cooking for the next 48 hours.  But for us, for now there is no relief is sight.

I know that sounds so depressing.  It’s not.  We are doing fine.  But I will miss Saturday mornings and being able to just lie in bed listening to the Husband and girls being silly.  He somehow seems to be able to elicit shrieks and giggles that I do not.  The girls play differently with Daddy.  They are less reserved.  They are just goofy.  They love to laugh uncontrollably with him.  I don’t know why that it. Maybe it’s the “Daddy’s Girl” side of them coming out.  I’m not sure, but I do know that tomorrow when we wake up, it will sound just like any other day in my house.

 

September 9, 2009

Murphy’s Law #1

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Everyone who has ever been around a military family know that anything around the house or concerning a vehicle can and will go wrong as soon as the Husband deploys.  I know this and am prepared for it.

I am eternally grateful for the neighbors that I have.  I know that when something goes wrong, they can and will help me fix it.

I was shocked yesterday when after dropping the Big One off at preschool an orange indicator light came on my dashboard illuminated.  My car is only one year old.  It’s a great car.  It’s a reliable car.  It’s made by a very reputable company.  So I was a bit deflated when the light came on.

Let me back-up a minute, the Big One’s preschool is at a church.  The church is adding a huge new building to their facility.  They are at a point of pouring new concrete sidewalks for the new building.  So yesterday the parking lot was blocked off and I had to park across the street in the dirt.

So when I realized that the light the came on was the “low tire pressure” indicator, I thought I was toast.  I figured that I had run over something and punctured a tire. I got out and looked, nothing looked flat so I figured I’d check it when I got home.

So the Little One and I went about our way towards home.

In true car-issue fashion, the light was off again before we got home.   I’ll watch for the light again today to determine if there is an issue with the sensor or just a fun little game of Murphy’s Law that my car is playing.

I suppose I need to search for the tire pressure checker thingie too just to be safe.

 

September 8, 2009

Alone at Home

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Well we made it home safe and the Husband made it to his new home safe.  So all is good in the world.

I will admit that tonight’s bedtime routine was tough.  Typically when we go to San Diego we take two cars.  The Husband usually drives back home on Sunday so he can work on Monday and the girls and I drive home on Monday mornings to avoid the weekend traffic.

By the time we get home, I am usually spent and the girls spend the afternoon watching Noggin or something equally entertaining until the Husband gets home.  But today there was no relief.  And I am tired.

It was kind of sad when I realized it was a little after 5 p.m. and he wasn’t coming home.  We were outside playing with a newly inherited Barbie swimming pool.  Fun stuff.  It only took me 90 minutes to put the darn thing together.  And it took the girls about 3 minutes to get each other soaking wet;  So much for Barbie getting to swim.

Anyway, it hit me that I was on my own and needed to get dinner started and then move on with the routine alone.

I did have a nice treat on the drive home today, though.  Usually we listen to CDs of the kids’ music, but today I had the radio on.  I was still in San Diego so it was on K-Love.  I wasn’t really paying attention to what was one, I was chatting with the Big One (okay, we weren’t really chatting, I was answering a million questions that she was firing at me). Anyway there was a lull in the questions and I heard a familiar tune in the background, so I turned the volume up to hear Steven Curtis Chapman signing, “I Will be There.”  It was, of course,  our wedding song and I haven’t heard it in months.  It was a nice treat before we descended into Fallbrook and lost K-Love and the 20-question game resumed.

I think as long as I continue to have little moments that make me smile and think of him, we will be just fine.

 

September 4, 2009

Today Is the Day

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Well, this morning, I dropped the Husband off at the airport.  I know where the first part of his journey will take him, but not the remainder.   It was very strange for me to drop him off and not get a phone call right before he boarded the plane.   It will be even more difficult to not get a phone call letting me know he arrived safely.

We’ve been so fortunate throughout his 8 years with the Air Force to always get that phone call saying he arrived safely at his destination.   We may not have been able to talk every day, but we knew where he was and the he was reachable by phone.

Now we will just wait to hear from him when he can communicate.  We don’t know when that will be or how often we will get to talk to him.

Last night before bedtime, he gave the girls their “Daddy Dolls,” and showed them where to squeeze them to hear a special message just for them.  The girls love their Daddy Dolls and can listen to his voice by just giving the doll a big hug.  Their embrace is enough to bring the doll to life and allow them to, “not miss Daddy too much,” according to the Big One.

After she told me that, she thought for a moment and asked where my Daddy Doll was.  When I told her I didn’t have one, she gently put her hand on my arm and said, “You are going to miss Daddy too much then because you don’t have a Daddy Doll.”

She is right, I will miss him, but I have faith that we will all be okay.  And this {relatively} short amount of time will make us stronger and help us to appreciate each other even more.  {I have my rock too!}

We appreciate any prayers you can send our way.  Prayers for travel, safe journeys, new adventures and patience as we embark on this new chapter.

 

September 3, 2009

Getting Closer

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Well we are less than 24 hours until the Husband’s adventure begins.  At this point we are both ready for him to just go. It sounds terrible, I know.  But the anticipation, anxiety and stress are making it tough.

The sooner he leaves, the sooner he will be home is our new mantra.

We have run through all the emotions possible.  We go from sad, to sick, to mad, to neutral all in a matter of moments. It’s frustrating and disheartening all at the same time.

We all have this crazy misconceived notion of how the last few weeks are supposed to be spent.  I guess we should be bonding, and taking special trips and just loving each other.

Instead we seem to be short with each other and really pretty nonchalant about the whole thing.  I know today I will probably cry most of the day.  But I suppose that’s better than fighting.

Normally before a longer TDY, we get into a huge knock-down, drag-out argument in the days preceding his departure. It’s usually about something stupid like money or my lack of touchy-feely-ness. But this time we haven’t. I suppose the day is young though.  :-)

He did get rather annoyed with me yesterday when I embarked on a landscaping project in the front yard.  He didn’t want to be sweating in the 100 degree heat, while inhaling the noxious fume from the Station Fire.  I get why he was annoyed, but the mulch has been sitting in the garage for two months now and I wanted the darn project done.

If I hadn’t started on it, we would have just sat on the couch watching TV.  At least with my plan we were productive.

Anyway here we are.  Our last day before he goes, a beautiful front yard and one more road trip down to the airport.

Just a strange aside, the Big One just came downstairs dressed for the day.  The child has at least 80 T-shirts in her drawer.  Typically she wears the same 7 shirts.  Well for whatever reason, she just came down wearing a pink T-shirt with a skunk on it that says, “Little Stinker.”   I know you are thinking, so what?

Well, the Husband picked out that T-shirt for the Big One when she was about 5 months old and we were at the Sauerkraut Festival in Ohio.  He thought it was the funniest thing ever and had to buy it.  She has never worn the shirt before. NEVER.  It’s been in her drawer for months and she has never picked it out to wear.  Then out of the blue she came downstairs wearing that shirt. Somehow they just seem to have a sixth sense about things.

 

August 31, 2009

It’s Going to Get Much Harder Before it Gets Easier

Posted by fixitmommy under Time, Uncategorized
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These last few days are going to be tough.  Last night I lost it.  I yelled at the Little One and then broke down in tears when the Big One wanted me to read a bedtime story instead of Daddy.

How in the world do I convey to them that 120 days is a long time? They are 4 and 2, I know they don’t get it.  Yet, I know how much they will miss him once he’s gone.  It’s a tough place to be.

I don’t want to re-emphasize over and over and over again that Daddy will be gone a long time.  It makes me sad and it makes him sad.  But I don’t want them the think it’s like any other TDY we’ve been through where he’s gone a few weeks at most.

I keep telling the Big One that Daddy will be home after Christmas.  She knows that’s a long time away, but doesn’t really understand how long it is.  I am debating about doing the calendar thing where they get to mark one day off each morning.  I think it’s a good way for them to see when Daddy will be home, but I think it will be harder for me to actually see how many days are still left.

I know so many of my friends have been through a deployment.  And they all handle it differently. I know we just need to find what will work best for us.

 

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